Why am I feeling this way? and this is my plan

Today is Wednesday…Monday has already over why am I still feeling so heavy? My heart is feeling so heavy but I just don’t know why…
What I wish to do now is to throw hundred of glasses to the floor and break them into pieces….maybe the sound of breaking will make me satisfy a bit, will it? Or is there any waterfall, loud noise caused by big volume of water flowing down from a high hill will sooth me a bit?

Nowadays I am seriously throwing tantrum around…especially when I tried to feed Ethan and he doesn’t want to drink…it’s already 2am but he still don’t want to drink…I’m so tired…so tired…lately I have been sleeping very less, almost every night I’m awake from 2-5am…slept for an hour then have to wake up to go work…sometimes I really want to give up but I never ever try to cause I don’t want to…am I having a depression? I think it’s a minor one…I tell myself I must control myself….coz I love Ethan so much that I worry that he will get hungry if he never drink in such a long hours…will he?

I asked my mom, she said is very normal for an infant to avoid and reject milk nowadays as his teeth is growing, his gum is itchy that’s y he is biting the teats when I put it into his mouth…but if he keep on rejecting I really worried that he will get over hungry. That’s why when he doesn’t want to drink milk I will feed him water instead…He only will accept the milk whenever he want to sleep. Then he will suck quietly…is that normal?

Nowadays when I was taking care of Ethan there’s nothing else I can do…my time now is only for Ethan…hrm to be frank he is kind of naughty nowadays…but he is not I know…just that I don’t have the patient…how can I have that endurance…God help me…

Yesterday when I was driving, I really hope to let go the steering and don’t want to drive on anymore…I’m very tired….tired…but I keep on tell myself…this is not the way…this is not the way…try to think of those people who have no kids when they wish to have, those people who want to live another day and they can’t…I’m more bless than they do…How can I think so stupidly…that’s the only time I thought of those things and I will think of it again…

I really hope I can go back to my own plan which is dedicate all my time to Ethan where I can stay at home to take care of him…I really wish I can stay at home be with Ethan. I prefer to take care of him the whole day rather than came back from work, drive such a long journey after being so tired then I have to take care of Ethan…and at that time when he is naughty and refuse to drink milk I will get angry very fast…but of coz I didn’t throw my tantrum on him, I will show it in other way instead….Its very dangerous I can realize…Ethan mommy so sorry mommy don’t have the patient….but mommy will try hard…

I have to plan to have a better family management else I will ruin it, I must change myself to give Ethan a warm environment and feel the closeness in the family… I’m now gathering courage to let go.....

To A Child Who Inquires by Olga Petrova

How did you come to me, my sweet?

From the land that no man knows?

Did Mr. Stork bring you here on his wings?

Were you born in the heart of a rose?
Did an angel fly with you down from the sky?

Were you found in a gooseberry patch?

Did a fairy bring you from fairyland

To my door -- that was left on a latch?
No -- my darling was born of a wonderful love,

A love that is Daddy's and mine.

A love that is human, but deep and profound,

A love that is almost divine.
Do you remember, sweetheart, when we went to the zoo,

And we saw the big bear with a grouch?

And the tigers and lions, and that tall kangaroo

That carried her babe in a pouch?
Do you remember I told you she kept them there safe

From the cold and the wind, till they grew

Big enough to take care of themselves?

And, dear heart,That's just how I first cared for you.
I carried you under my heart, my sweet,

And I sheltered you safe from alarms;

Then one wonderful day the dear God looked down,

And I snuggled you tight in my arms.